Health Alert: In Love with the Wall

There’s a terrible disorder that strikes 98% of children under the age of nine yet many don’t know the name I gave it back in 1991. The disorder is called In Love with the Wall or ILW for short (but don’t call it that). It’s characterized by obnoxious, slaphappy hyperactivity that typically results in the child falling in love with a wall. After annoying everyone in the household, the child will eventually stumble (or be shoved) into a wall and remain leaning against this wall. The wall is then looked at as if it possesses great beauty and is even caressed despite the fact that most walls cannot experience any sensations. I first witnessed this disorder over twenty-five years ago in one of my younger siblings. This sibling also fell in love with the couch, but wall sounded funnier.

in love with the wall mental health carolyn honeychurch
Figure 1. Like a drunk leaning against a lamppost, this subject appears as if she is unable to part ways with the wall. The subject develops an infatuation with the wall and proceeds to laugh while “wallering” on the wall.

Unlike your common, run-of-the-mill hyperactivity which is usually brought on by caffeine, sugar or exposure to cold water, someone who is in the throws of being In Love with the Wall acts as if they are in a drunken stupor. There’s also a distinct facial expression that accompanies the disorder: dull expression, gaping mouth, and glassy eyes that refuse to make eye-contact.

in love with the wall mental health carolyn honeychurch
Figure 2. A. ILW Disorder presented in the face. Notice how punchable the expression is with the subject’s gaping mouth and glassy eyes. B. Common Hyperactivity presented in the face. Unlike the ILW face, this expression is more slappable. The eyes are crazed and the teeth exposed in an aggressive way.

Figure 3. Harassing others, the ILW subject loves to be hated. When the subject is not actively in love with a wall, they are often invading the personal space of others and inciting rage. Notice how the victim (in this case an older brother) is clenching his fist. The urge to punch someone going through an ILW fit must be resisted. Shoving them into a wall can usually free you from their attacks.


Other Traits Found in “In Love with the Wall” Syndrome

– Loss of verbal skills. Mostly makes huurrr and duuurr sounds. May erupt into exhausted laughter.

– Difficulty with personal boundaries or the well-being of others (e.g. will collapse on people mistaking them for a wall)

– Thinks they are funny, but they are far from it

– Loss of hearing especially the pleas of others for them to “Stop” or “get away from me.”

– Usually has to pee, but will lean against the wall and cross their legs

– May fall in love with the couch once the “fit” begins to subside

– Snaps out of it as soon as someone has had enough and hits them back.

– ILW usually strikes in the evening or sometimes earlier on overcast days.

in love with the wall rug burn
Figure 4. Another case of an ILW subject clinging to a victim. In this case, the subject is so in love with the wall that he is unaware that the carpet has pulled down his shorts and his privates are being rug-burned.

If you or a loved one suffers from In Love with the Wall disorder, start playing THIS SONG really loud.